i speak...
i'm an open type of person. i speak out my emotions
usually pero i can be very private at times. i love to
dance and to sing
and i love the company of my friends and my family.
i'm an overly talkative, compassionate dreamer, a
romantic at heart.
i'm a writer too.
words i'd love to live by/tara-inspired
i will create my day
i will create my reality, moment to moment
i will change my mind
i will open myself to the infinite realm of possibility
i will leave room for auspicious coincidence
i will not decide what is next
i will not decide what is real
i will not expect
i will have confidence
i will boycott self-doubt
i will have confidence to go beyond hesitation
i will not be afraid to be afraid
i will remember who I am
oh, yeah. i will also have fun...
i love...
GOD
my family
net-surfing
reading young adult books
music
movies and tv
confessions of a runaway lover
Thursday, July 13, 2006
the other night i was reading my old journal. my 'black book' as i called it, since it had black pages where i had to use metallic gel pens so i can read whatever i write there. it was my third journal, i think, in my whole lifetime as i remembered keeping a 'diary' when i was in grade school, then highschool and then finally this one in my freshman year in college. obviously this was all before i discovered blogging.
as i was reading the entries i was laughing to myself because i realized a lot of things;
realization #1, that for a sixteen-year-old who got into UP, my grammar still sucked big time. even then i was already writing my entries in english. thinking about my statement mishaps now actually gives me the goosebumps.
realization #2, that i have terrible penmanship. this can be excusable though, due to the fact that i write mostly while lying down or on my belly, and at times i fall asleep while writing. the latter is true. i remember reading incoherent phrases with mathematical equations squeezed in. as it turned out, i have a math quiz the day after and i was probably dreaming about it. hehe.
and lastly, realization #3, that i sometimes my mind works exactly the same now that i'm 21 years old, compared to when i was 16. creepy, but true. especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
i'm one of those people you'll call a runner. i remembered reading alot about past loves and how confused i get everyday. how frequently i change my mind about people, especially those who care about me. i'm not commitment-phobic, i just tend to get confused, scared and then i run whenever someone gets too close; hurting that someone in the process. take these examples:
exhibit A: WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN. i just rediscovered that i codenamed him 'the friend' in my black book. and that was because it was what seems he was to me. until things got confusing, that is. it was all documented in the black book, the sweetness, the wars, the running. i'm lucky i have him as my bestfriend now. that everything was behind us. it was through him that i discovered that platonic love feels alot better than romantic love. at least that's what i think.
exhibit B. WHEN I WAS NINETEEN. wehehe. this one's funny. because the guy i ran away from, i actually end up with. yep, that's right. it was mykel. i remember when my first relationship ended, oftentimes my friend arden would tell me not to stop considering someone as a potential partner the moment i notice even a little inch of something that seems wrong about that person. i guess that's what happened to me and kel. or maybe i was not ready for another relationship at that time. again luckily he waited for me. sometimes it makes me think of how long a guy can actually wait.
exhibit C. NOW THAT I'M TWENTY-ONE. i think you'll get to see that one in here, in the 'black blog'. check the archives. clue: january. anyways, i don't know still where that one's going. but lately things here have been flowing smoothly and i'm happy with my decision. sometimes you just have to choose and stick with it. or else you'll never be happy.
i didn't learn of the term 'running away' until i watched this certain dawson's creek episode (which i think was the last one of the series) where a dying jen was talking to a confused joey about not running away from her problems. her problems being guys who want to love her and both she loves as well. i was pondering on all of these while i was chatting with my ate caryl sometime ago when something she said struck me.
'dearie, collect and collect and then run.'
ahaha. isn't life ironic?
the angel rocked @ 4:44 AM
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